Home is Behind
by Juud18
Summary: Pippin realizes and comes to terms with something as he sings to the Steward of Gondor.


First story again in a long time. I posted this before but that was a long time ago, when my writing was a lot worse :P It's still not great or really fluid but oh well..

_Home is behind,_

_The__ road ahead,_

_And there are many paths to tread,_

_Through shadow,_

_To__ the edge of night,_

_Until__ all the stars are alight,_

_Mist and shadow,_

_Cloud__ and shade,_

_All shall fade,_

_All__ shall fade._

Tears sting his eyes when the last note dies away in his throat. Fear, anxiety and concern for his comrades twist his insides.

The internal argument he'd had was back with a vengeance. A disembodied voice that sounds awfully like Merry's is shouting at him again that he should've never come along with his cousins and Sam, should've talked himself and Merry into taking up Elrond's advice to warn the Shire of the impending doom. Instead, his loyalty and curiosity, -**especially** his curiosity- had kicked in and made him jump into the group and demand to come along, frightened as well of being left behind without his Merry. He'd had no idea what he was getting himself into, like always. Shout first, think later.

He regrets this and many other things. Touching the skeleton and kicking up a fuss in the mines of Moria causing Gandalf's death, joining the fellowship with Merry, seeing Boromir getting hit by arrows and keep on fighting while they were captured, stealing the Palantír and looking into it bringing Sauron and the Nazgul on their path...

Biting his lip, he squeezes his eyes shut and turns his face away from Lord Denethor, father of Faramir and Boromir, substitute leader of Gondor until the true king takes a stand. A man so awful he runs his own son into the ground, a man that actually admits things like his youngest son should've died instead of Boromir. Pippin had been able to see that Faramir had been close to tears even as he fought back against his father, and who could blame him? A father shouldn't be so cruel to his own kin.

And speaking of kin, Merry, his cousin, his friend, his comrade.

He opens his eyes and stares across the hall. A couple of tears slip down his cheeks, a prelude to more if he can't stop them.

The anger Merry had directed at him before Gandalf had taken him to Gondor was concern, he knew, but he hated that he'd caused it. He hadn't understood that he'd brought the Nazgul down upon them and Merry made that painfully clear for him. And then he'd understood **why** Merry had **really** been so concerned and angry.

When the Palantír had lured him over, to a point he found himself sitting on the floor with Merry nearby and the glass ball in front of him, he'd touched it, and it had fused his hands to it, pulled them to its surface like a magnet. Sauron had drawn the young hobbit to him, asked him questions and hurt him. That was the moment he'd brought Sauron's attention upon himself, when he made him believe he had the ring.

**That** was why Merry was angry and concerned. He was scared for Pippin, for the younger hobbit's life. He must've known Pippin would be taken from him, and he was concerned and scared because he couldn't look out for Pippin anymore, Gandalf was going to have to do that.

And because, as always, Pippin was curious to a point of stupidity.. At least, that's the way people made it seem to the young hobbit.

Pippin brushes his sleeves over his face, taking a shuddering breath.

The 'bright' side had been that he'd seen some images on Sauron's side, aiding them in their fight against that evil, but the experience had been quite traumatising. Merry had helped him through the worst of it, and now he was gone, still in Rohan with Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli.

Pippin misses Merry, mainly because Merry is where he draws his strength from. Merry is his comrade, his partner in crime.. He looks out for Pippin, protects him, talks to him when he's scared, soothes him when he's had a nightmare and can't shake it, takes care of him when he hurt himself..

Without his Merry, he feels small in this Man's world, incomplete. More then once, he's been ignored, or even worse, overlooked. No one spares him a second glance. He feels so small, not even being the tallest of the Hobbits –aside from Merry- does anything. It wouldn't, he's still half the size of an average human. But he knows he wouldn't have felt so small if Merry had been around. With Merry, he forgets certain things around him, they don't seem as important.

He wishes he could've made things up to Merry, but also knows, -Merry had made that also quite clear-, that he never learned. His curiosity never was a problem, it never got him killed. The worst that could happen back in the Shire was that he'd hurt himself or his ego a little. Out here, it's different, every mistake he makes, every time he lets his curiosity get the better of him, something happens that turns out for the worst.

His curiosity got people killed he realizes. His curiosity has been the cause of most of their problems on their quest and Pippin knows it should stop.

He wishes fervently they were still back at the Shire, that all of this was a big nightmare. That when he finally wakes up from this freakish dream, he can find Merry and tell him what a horrible nightmare he had. And then he and Merry can go and steal cabbages and carrots from Farmer Maggot, or swim in the lakes in the forests near Buckland. He wants to be at home where his sisters tease him and Merry and Frodo and Sam are all okay, where the Ring never existed and didn't take Bilbo or Frodo. Where the Shire is still safe and not under threat.

But Merry, Sam and Frodo are gone, he's not home and this isn't a dream. And Pippin dreads the idea of them going to battle, hates that his cousin Frodo –or Samwise Gamgee- might lose himself in the ring where as he and Merry are in danger of dying.

His insides twist up even tighter, a lump in his throat.

He's afraid. He doesn't even dare to think about Merry dying on the battlefield, or he himself. He wants to prove to Merry he's sorry for everything he's done, and mean it. He's learned his lesson, finally, he understands what he's caused. If he's learned anything else, it's to think first and push down his curiosity before it gets the best of him.

He looks up and feels the dried tears on his face. He's managed not to burst in to loud sobs before the Steward. Something he's actually proud of. He's managed not to make a fool of himself and make the Steward think he's weak. For all the disgusting and despicable things the man does, he's still the Steward, a powerful and fierce man.

As if in acknowledgement, the Steward snarls. There is still red dripping down his chin, and his eyes look fierce.

"Sing me another song, Master Hobbit." He demands, and resumes eating, biting into a chicken leg.

Pippin racks his brain for one. He doesn't know many serious songs. He mostly knows drinking songs he and Merry sang all the time back at the Shire, and even in Rohan. As said, those are hardly fit for great halls.

He thinks hard and suddenly one pops to mind, one Bilbo sang to him once when he was just a little Hobbit.

His voice is clear and strong when he sings. Denethor keeps on eating, though shoving food into his mouth would be a more appropriate description. Pippin wonders if Denethor is even listening. Probably not, Pippin's song would've raised his attention. Either that, or Denethor simply chooses to ignore it.

When he finishes singing, Pippin thinks hard, and realizes something.

Here, he gets to prove himself. He's alone and he needs to fend for himself. If he can do this, he can prove to Merry he's learned, that'll prove more then him saying sorry a thousand times. It's time he started fending for himself. He's still afraid, but he feels stronger. He and Merry will meet again, he's sure of that, and when that time comes, he's going to make Merry see he's learned his lesson....

* * *


End file.
